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of Music
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13th
January 05
 |
The phenomenon
that is 2000 AD has crossed over into many different media, including toys,
novels, movies, computer games, board games, and even comics. But not, until now,
musical theatre! Yes, tonight, ladies and gentlemen, boy and girls, fish and chips,
the one and lonely Sprout brings you the fabulous, the stupendous, the embarrassingly
cringe-worthy... 2000 AD - the Musical!
(A note from
the lyricist:
As you'll see from below, each of these songs is to be sung to a popular tune.
It might take you a couple of goes to get the pacing right, but trust me, the
lyrics do fit the tunes (though you'll probably have to push it a bit here
and there). )
(A further note
from the lyricist: To get the full effect of these masterpieces, you should
organise a band and some backing singers. Failing that, purchase some karaoke
disks that contain the appropriate songs. And failing that, simply find
any old version of the songs and sing the new lyrics loud enough to drown out
the original singer. Remember: louder is always better! )
(A final note
from the lyricist: Ideally for a musical theatre production, there would be
more than the five songs listed here, and there would also be, like, dialogue
and stage directions and stuff. However, I can't be arsed doing them myself, so
feel free to add your own songs and write your own play around them. But if you
even consider performing any of my songs in public without my written permission,
well, then you're even sadder than I am. )
And so, without further
doo-doo, on with the show!
My
Favourite Thrills (To the tune of "My Favourite Things" from
The Sound of Music)
Clones, bounty hunters and
psychics and demons
Robots and judges and warp-spasming he-men
Flesh-eating monsters with multiple kills
These are a few of my favourite thrills
Cyborgs and zombies and
much radiation
Nutters with shotguns and big gladiators
Hovercraft, jetpacks and big motorbikes
These are a few of the things that I like
Thirty-two pages and some
clever writing
Colourful artwork to show all the fighting
Alien editor; half-man, half-frog
These are a few of my favourite progs
When I'm locked up
When I'm tortured
And the numbness fades
I simply think back to my favourite thrills
And then I don't feel so dazed
Johnny
Alpha (To the tune of "Greased Lightning"
from Grease)
[Spoken] Why, this man
is radiated!
He's nucleated!
Yes, he's mutated!
Why, he's Johnny Alpha!
(Johnny Alpha)
He's a mutant bounty hunter
with x-ray eyes, oh yeah
(Keep shooting, whoa keep shooting!)
He gets a lot of money tracking down bad guys, oh yeah
(Search and destroy, oh search and destroy!)
He's got lots of curly hair and a very blank-eyed stare
And he can scan your brain, drive a criminal insane
Johnny Alpha!
Strontium Dog - you never
let them get away
(Johnny Alpha, the bounty hunter!)
You're an SD agent, yeah that's what you do all day
With rugged looks,
And electronux
You're Johnny Alpha!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
A Viking partner armed with
a hammer, oh yeah
A four-armed gronk with an irritating stammer, oh yeah
With your time-drogues, bombs and guns, ain't no doubt you're number one
Johnny Alpha!
Schicklegruber, Max Bubba,
Kreelman and more
(Bunch of bad guys, what a bunch of bad guys!)
Went after them with a fury that they couldn't ignore
And all the rest, yeah you're the best - Johnny Alpha!
Strontium Dog, I heard you
got killed one day
(Great big monster - ate our John, sir!)
That didn't stop you: looks like you're here to stay
It wrecks my head, back from the dead - Johnny Alpha!
Alpha, Alpha, Alpha
Alpha, Alpha, Alpha
Alpha!
Sinister
Dexter (To the tune of "Only the Lonely" as performed by
Roy Orbison)
Blam-blam-blam-blamblam-kaboom
Ooh-yay-yay-yay-yeah
Oh-oh-oh-oh-arrgh!
Sinister Dexter
Sinister Dexter
Sinister Dexter (blam-blam-blam-blamblam-kaboom)
Kill when the price is right (ooh-yay-yay-yay-yeah)
Sinister Dexter (blam-blam-blam-blamblam-kaboom)
Skin of blue, eyes of white (blam-blam-blam-blamblam-kaboom)
They shot my baby
Right through the heart
A dum-dum bullet
She's blown apart
But Sinister Dexter
Know why
I cry
Sinister Dexter
Blam-blam-blam-blamblam-kaboom
Ooh-yay-yay-yay-yeah
Oh-oh-oh-oh-arrgh!
Sinister Dexter
Sinister Dexter
Sinister Dexter
Yeah you shot her through and through
Sinister Dexter
But it was me who hired you
Thought I'd inherit
Her huge estate
Her lawyer won't share it
Now I can't pay - I think I'm next
On these gun sharks' hit list
Sinister Dexter
Blam-blam-blam-blamblam-kaboom
Dan
Dare (To the tune of "Hound Dog" as performed by Elvis Presley)
Whatever happened to Dan
Dare?
Gone twenty years and more
Don't forget his buddy Sondar
And the Cosmic Claw
Dropped half-way through a story
The end of which we never saw
Tharg promised Dan would
return
To clear his name of crime
But I think the lessonI learned
Is that it was just a line:
Dan might be smarter than the Mekon
But now his biggest enemy is time
Judge
Dredd's a Dutiful Lawman (To the tune of "Oh What a Beautiful
Morning" from Oklahoma)
He's the best there is of
all the Judges
His stance on the Law never budges
Watch out all you perps and delinquent juves
For soon you'll be spending some time in the cubes...
Chorus: Judge Dredd
is a dutiful lawman, works twenty-four hours a day
If you've committed a cri-ime, he's going to put you away
There's none on the force
who can match him
Whoever he's after, he'll catch 'em
You're probably fine, long as you're not a thief
'Cos if you are, your career will be brief...
Chorus: Joe Dredd
is a dutiful lawman, and he's got a powerful gun
With which he can hit any target, so make sure that you are not one
Dredd operates in Mega-City
He's clever and strong (though not pretty)
He's by far the best policeman that you ever saw
So don't argue with him, 'cos he is the law...
Chorus:
Judge Dredd is a dutiful lawman, he's got more lives than a cat
But we don't know what he looks like, 'cos he never takes off his hat
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