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¦ Features ¦What Else?
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18th
September 04
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Okay, here’s
the deal: Marvel have been doing “What If?” comics for a very long
time now, and some of them are pretty good fun: “What if Someone Else Had
Been Bitten by the Radioactive Spider?”, “What if Daredevil had Killed
the Kingpin?” and the like. DC do something similar with their “Elseworlds”
stories; seeing how well their characters work out of established continuity;
Batman goes up against Jack the Ripper in Gotham by Gaslight, Superman
is raised in Russia in Red Son, that kind of thing.
And once upon a time DC and Marvel collaborated on a project
called “Amalgam” in which they combined some of their best-loved characters:
Spider-Man and Superboy became Spider-Boy, Captain America and Superman
became Super Soldier, Batman and Wolverine became Dark Claw. Lots
and lots of fun, they were!
So what if Tharg decided to do similar things with 2000 AD
characters? All right, yes, so it’s kind of been done before, with the “Alternity”
special back in 1995. But that was a long time ago and to be honest it wasn’t
as good as it could have been.
With this in mind,
I’ve lately been toying with the idea of writing a bunch of 2000 AD
-related Alternative Universe stories – some serious, and some not-so-serious
– and have come to two astounding conclusions: (a) It’s a great idea,
and (b) it’s a hell of a lot of work to write these things, so it would
be much, much easier if I were to just compile the ideas into a Sprout column.
So, dear reader... Put the kettle on for a nice hot cup of beverage,
take the phone off the hook by forgiving its transgressions, draw yourself a bath
and colour it in, and prepare for Sprout’s Guide to The 2000 AD That
Never Was!
What if Johnny Alpha had been a Norm?
Following in his father’s footsteps, young political hot-shot John Kreelman
leads a vicious and successful anti-mutant campaign. The surviving mutants scatter
off-world, but Kreelman’s forces still hunt them down. Broken, humbled and
almost destroyed, the mutants know that their only hope is to assemble a team
to go after Kreelman himself.
Resistance!
The year is 1999. The Volgan Republic has invaded Great Britain, bringing the
country almost to its knees. Or so it seems. Former truck-driver Bill Savage leads
the resistance against the occupying forces, but their numbers are few and their
victories fewer. On the run from the over-whelming Volgan army, they encounter
a former scientist who has access to technology that could help them in their
struggle. He leads them to a hidden bunker wherein lies the body of Britain’s
first cyborg secret agent. The scientist explains how the agent’s strength
and speed were greatly enhanced by a process known as Compu-Puncture Hyper-Power,
and tells the freedom fighters that he can apply the same technology to one of
their number: Bill Savage volunteers for the transformation...
The Judge
Mega-City 1, 2060 (or thereabouts): Judge Fargo instigates a program to create
clone judges, specially bred to be tough, loyal, etc., and a search is put in
place to find a source of good DNA for the process. After no luck, someone remembers
an old hero from the early years of the twenty-first century. This particular
hero was seriously injured and placed in suspended animation... They track down
the body but discover that the hero’s injuries are still too severe to repair
him, so they take a sample of his DNA and recreate him as a judge... He is, of
course, Judge Dan Dare.
The A.B.C. Worriers
Based on the hilarious Saturday-morning animated kids’ TV show! Those wacky
neurotic robots get into all kinds of fun scrapes! Their leader is the powerful-but-paranoid
Giant-Inflatable-Squeaky-Hammer-stein, and this week he has to help Ro-Jaws (the
wheelie-bin with titanium teeth and a heart of gold) and Joe Pineapples (the super-sniper-robot
who’s just terrified that someone will steal his fruit cocktail!)
plan a surprise four-billionth birthday party for the planet Mars! Special guest-star:
crossing over from his own series, it’s everyone’s favourite Entryway-Securer,
Nemesis the Doorlock!
What if Judges were Allowed to Have Families?
The year is 2225. Following decades of relative peace and prosperity, Mega-City
One is devastated by the sudden reappearance of the Dark Judges. The Judges are
being systematically and efficiently wiped out. The Chief Judge has no choice
but to press-gang ordinary citizens into the judiciary. Among them, the fifteen-year-old
great-great-grandson of the legendary Judge Dredd.
Strontium God
Young mutant bounty hunter Johnny Alpha is sent back to ancient Earth in order
to track a particularly nasty time-jumping criminal. There, Alpha is set-upon
by the bad guy’s minions and is spectacularly defeated. He’s locked
in a dungeon with a bunch of other undesirables, most of whom are pretty useless.
However, there is one other prisoner who hasn’t lost his fight. He and Alpha
team up in order to break out and bring the bad guy to justice. With their combined
powers – Alpha’s mutant abilities and his companion’s immense
strength – they succeed, and return to Alpha’s time with the bad guy
in tow. Johnny decides that the partnership worked well, so he asks his companion
to stay with him, and become a Strontium Dog. And his companion’s name?
Sláine Mac Roth.
What if Sinister
Dexter were based on 1970s British Sitcom Stereotypes
Paddy Sinister: Bejaysus, sure at all, at all, at all! Would yeh ever not
be killin’ that lad?
Manuel Dexter: Ah, you want me to make for him my famous paella, sí?
Paddy Sinister: Begorrah, yer an awful eejit so yeh are!
Manuel Dexter: ... Qué?
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