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: The Penny Drops, 25p per Qtr
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9th
Oct 03 |
Did you ever
get one of those moments
where you suddenly realise that something you've always known to be true is, in
fact, wrong?
I call them Sudden
Realisation Moments, or SRMs for short. You know how it goes: an old song
comes on the radio and you realise that for the past twenty-five years you were
wrong in thinking that John Travolta was singing about shoes that were made of
plywood. You get SRMs a lot when watching movies and television - "Oh... He's
the killer!" - but they're quite rare in real life.
 An
SRM happened to me quite recently... I was flicking through some back-progs of
2000 AD and I came across the first Bradley story. I'd always hated
the little bugger and thought that the artist - Simon Harrison - was rubbish,
and I wasn't shy about telling everyone. But this time I decided "What the hell,
might as well read it. It's either that or get some actual work done." So I read
it... And it was great!. The story was very engaging, very witty, the artwork
suited it perfectly, and I was left with my foot in my mouth and egg on my face
as I ate my words.
I'd been wrong
about Bradley, and wrong about Harrison. I started wondering what else
I might have been wrong about, but then a safety device attached to my ego kicked
in and put a stop to it; thinking like that is the first step down the one-way
cul-de-sac of madness.
So instead I decided
to have a little think about other times in my life when I had SRMs. This I did,
and now I'm going to share some of them with you... (Because I'm supposed to be
writing about comics, I'll omit the many SRMs that are connected with sex.)
 SRM
#1: Superman can fly because he's an alien - not because
he wears a cape. Six years old, pillowcase, roof of shed - you can fill in
the details yourself.
SRM
#2: Adults sometimes forget that kids have a different frame of reference.
For a long, long time my parents thought that I was interested in sub-aqua things.
You know how parents are: you show an interest in something once, and forever
after they can't get that out of their heads. So... I'm eight years old, and my
mother's reading through TV listings page in the evening paper. "Oh," says the
SproutMammy, "there's a programme on tonight about Jacques Cousteau." I ask who
he is, and they tell me, and I announce that I desperately want to see that show.
They relent and we watch it, and by the time we're half-way through I'm thinking,
"Ah... So a frogman is not a man with the proportionate strength and leaping
ability of a frog..."
SRM
#3: In the real world, you're completely wrong if you think that you can
wear a Robin mask and no one will be able to recognise you. Seven years old,
home-made Robin mask, sweetshop, police - need I say more?
 SRM
#4: Vampires and zombies do not have the ability to detect children hidden
under blankets. There was, of course, a later SRM that went along the lines
of "vampires and zombies don't exist" but this one was much more profound: at
last, I had some protection! For the first time, I knew that I'd be able to make
it through the night and greet the dawn in perfect health! It wasn't long before
I even abandoned my morning ritual of checking my throat for bite marks.
SRM
#5: Radioactive spiders are quite hard to find in suburban areas. And
not only that: It's just not possible to obtain super-powers by experimenting
with the chemicals you find in your mate Brian's dad's shed. You can't even gain
"power over electricity" by holding magnets in each hand and licking the contacts
on a battery, dammit!
SRM
#6: A wise man judges another not by his words, but by his meaning.
Maybe "Drokk" is a made-up swear word, but that doesn't mean you can get
away with calling your little sister a "Drokkin' drokker." In a loud voice. In
front of your parents. And the local priest. And the rest of the congregation.
SRM
#7: Women who understand that comics are a medium and not a genre are worth
their weight in Space-spinners. At least. Mrs Sprout not only occasionally
borrows some of my comics and graphic novels, there are also times when she will
even - as revealed in last month's column - mention comic-related things in a
casual and relaxed manner, much like I imagine normal folk might mention television
programmes.
 SRM
#8: Tharg took advantage of my youthful gullibility. In retrospect,
it probably wasn't wise to cut up my progs so that I could put together all those
multi-part posters and booklets. Because of my loyalty to the comic and my enthusiasm
for showing off my sellotaping skills, I now have a large collection of progs
that have no back pages. That said, I can't really hold Tharg responsible for
all the colouring-in I did on my early 2000 AD annuals.
SRM
#9: Mega-City One Judges have Daredevil-style radar. They must
have: I mean, not only do they wear their dark visors at all times - even at night
- but the helmet's eye-holes have gotten incredibly small and squinty over the
past twenty-six years, and it certainly can't help that they all have white lightning-flashes
over the rest of the visor. Let's face it; in real life, Judge Dredd's helmet
would be a bloody liability.
SRM
#10: Sometimes you just have to get over it and grow up. Dan Dare
is never coming back, is he?
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